A much needed, overdue pouring-out-of-soul.

This being unable to write is excruciating. I can't even write in my own private journal, let alone blog on a regular basis or write a poem or even continue my story. I have so much in my head, but for some strange, unthinkable reason, I've... lost the will to write... ? No. It can't be. There must be some other explanation.

Things are changing, rapidly and beyond belief. I'm changing, or have changed, not sure which just yet. I just hope I haven't changed too much, and I don't think I have. It's just... so hard to get through this. There's no balance anymore, no sense of relief, no peace into which I can escape. It's gone, and I don't know how to get it back right now. Usually, when things get rough, I creep into my otherworld, my happy place; except I can't find my happy place anymore, especially when I'm alone. I'm supposed to be happy when I'm alone, but more and more I find that I'm not happy at all. I'm rather miserable and sad and lonely.

Loneliness and emptiness - the two things I've always been afraid of. I've never been afraid of the dark, nor of heights, nor of almost any tangible thing. Those two feelings, however, I've always feared. And I fear them now more than ever. Just two states of mentality, abstract yet so tangible, so forceful and powerful and real. Two shrouds that put one's mind in a state of panic and chaos, terror and misery.

I'm sure everyone at one point or another has felt them. If you haven't, you are very fortunate.

Loneliness is a common thing. A child feels lonely when he's left alone in his bedroom at night. A young girl who has no friends feels lonely. The concept of loneliness is universal, but I believe it is most potent when applied to love: the couple going through a divorce, a teenage girl experiencing her first break-up, a lovestruck boy who can't have the girl he wants... the list goes on and on. To be lonely is to be human. It's a natural feeling, more prominent in some than others.

But what is emptiness? What does it feel like to be empty? Can one even feel it?

Nothing. Just misery and heartache and sadness. To be devoid of everything - your senses, your reasoning, your will - that is emptiness. It's what you feel when there is nothing left to live for, nothing for you to hold on to. Nothing makes sense, and hope is gone, almost sucked from the world. Not enough to drive you to suicide, but enough so that you are left stranded in misery and self-pity. It's as if a dark cloud has descended over your senses, clouding your judgment, encompassing your heart. That's emptiness.

Emptiness is a feeling of depression. I've experienced it many times. Often the most sentimental and emotional of us feel it or go through periods of it. If you're not careful, it can destroy you. It's dangerous, though sometimes unavoidable. Loneliness, to a lesser degree; however, both scare the hell out of me. And I've been treading in and out of their waters for a while, sometimes wading, sometimes wallowing. Sinking - once or twice.

So where's the sun glossing over the water's surface? The light at the end of the tunnel? For me right now, it's visible, but I'm not there yet. Sometimes it moves farther and farther away so that I feel I can never reach it. Sometimes it stays in one place, and my hopes rise that I'll make it soon.