Blogger bores me.
Well, no it doesn't, but it's really hard to keep up with posting... yeah, that's pretty obvious.
BUT... I've recently discovered TUMBLR! yay.
Tumblr is a blogging service that works a lot like twitter. And I'm one of those twitter adicts, so... Check out my tumblr. I have like 4 pages of stuff already.
A few quick updates before I leave you for another few weeks, or months.
I'm currently in a pretty tough place. I'm starting to rethink a lot of what I've held true to my whole life. I need to find my place - where I belong - and I need to do it soon. I need to know how I am to live my life for the next four years, probably longer. But the next four years in particular are exceedingly important: they're the college years. I have to be on top of my game, which is not easy for me right now. I don't know what to expect, and to be honest, I'm pretty scared.
As of now, I don't know what I believe anymore. I'm totally rethinking my religion, which is pretty much against my religion... but whatever. Gosh, I hate religion. I feel so constricted now, caged and trapped when I'm supposed to be free in Christ, according to all Christian philosophy. I have no idea why I feel this way. I'm sick of all the doctrines and "be in the world, not of it" extremist crap. Yes, I call it crap. It's crap because it gets you nowhere. I know a lot of Christians who aren't so extreme, and I know Christians who go overboard with everything - I actually live with some of them. The extremism gets to the point where I can't hang out with certain people because they're "ungodly". I can't go to a movie because it's a tad too sexual. I can't read a book because it contains "objectional content" (and it's only objectionable to those old-fashioned people). And that's not even the half of it. It goes deeper, into my family life, and its affecting everyone around me. Christian doctrine and theology and all that stuff we were taught in church way back when just doesn't work in my family; it's actually tearing it apart little by little. But I'm not gonna go there. That's too personal.
I'm so ready to break out of my shell. Now I'm not going to rebel, just let loose for a while. Do things my way, and figure out what I believe and what to trust. I am in no way turning my back on God. I can't. Not with all I've been through, because He's the only one who's ever really there. But I don't feel him anymore. I know it's not Him, that He didn't disappear or abandon me. I guess I sort of abandoned Him, and that makes me feel really really awful. But I can't seem to focus solely on Him anymore. I've tried, and it hurts a whole lot. But I know I can't shun everything else because I feel like this. I need to embrace it. Embrace what's inside me, that fire burning deep down. People have tried to smother it, but it keeps burning; my will is too strong. My mom is pretty much the only person who hasn't tried to mold me into something I'm not. I trust her now, more than ever. I love her so much it hurts. She's my only safety right now. I don't feel safe with anyone else but her. People are dangerous: I don't know who to trust anymore, who will hurt me or who will ssave me. But I know I can trust my mom until the day I die.
I need to get a little spiritual. I need to find ritual, beauty, magic. Yes, I do believe in magic. It's there, somewhere in the world. I just have to find it. I will find it, and I'll show everybody that I can't be trampled on or manipulated into believing something. I'll show them that there's more to life than just life, that there's something more out there. I'm surrounded by lifeless people - puppets, practically - and it's killing me inside. But I refused to be killed; I'm loyal to myself when there's no one else worth being loyal to. I won't die with them.
Alright, enough drama. Thank god I'm getting my own room within the next week or so. My siblings are emerging into the "terrible teen" stage, and one of them has been in it for the past few years: he's made it clear to me that I "disgust" him. Right now, it sucks being the oldest.
College, come quickly. Please.
In other news...
Oh, yeah, Happy Holidays!
I was so cranky that I almost forgot...
I did have a wonderful Christmas. It was one of those times I actually enjoyed being with my entire family. Everyone put themselves aside and thought about the person next to them. We were all a family. I'm suffering from tristesse now that it's over. There's still New Year's, but it's not nearly as wonderful as Christmas. I got really nice ice skates, and I'm planning to go to the city for some ice skating with the greatest aunt-who-is-more-of-a-cousin in the world.
I LOVE my new Hayley Westenra album Winter Magic. This girl has the voice of a thousand angels, as described by one of those big newspapers/magazines. I whole-heartedly agree. See - and hear - the beauty and magic that is Hayley Westenra for yourself. This song is especially gorgeous: The Little Road To Bethlehem.
I also saw Hamlet on Broadway!!! And Jude Law was in it. He was AMAZING. Just as amazing as Kenneth Branagh - and Kenneth Branagh... he's superior to all mankind. So I got a few nice souveniers: a beautiful stage-edited copy of the play and a HUGE poster of the production featuring Mr. Law himself. He's so gorgeous... and he has perfect feet. Seriously, he had to go barefoot on stage, and I just found his feet so very attractive. And when he was doing his whole moody prince soliloquy, I just wanted to run up onto the stage and hug him. I love him so.
So I congratulated three of the actors: Geraldine James who played Queen Gertrude, Matt Ryan who was Horatio, and one of the extras who had broken her arm and wore a cast on stage. Then came the tristesse - the hopeless feeling you get after something marvelously wonderful and amazing, when you feel lost and small and unimportant. But I was over-the-moon about the whole event; it's one of those things I would relive if I could.
Concerning TWLOHA: my involvement in it is going rather well. I met a lot of really great people from the November 13 photo shoot, including the founder Jamie Tworkowski who is super-wonderful. I am now part of a group on facebook that branched out from the photo shoot, called To Write Love On The Streets. We were planning to get together in Union Square for some chalking and talking and hot chocolate, but that had to be postponed. Hopefully I'll be doing things with them soon.
The Rolling Stone article turned out to be not-so-great. The title: Surfer to Savior. While shedding some light on the TWLOHA movement, it did some damage as well. The article pretty much glorifies Jamie, as does the chosen photo (there were much better ones), and it really tramples the teen depression issue, calling it "teen angst". It paints a picture of fangirls getting Jamie's autograph and makes us seem pretty pathetic. So no, overall I wasn't happy with it. But we did have an amazing time. So many people came out: from Virginia, DC, even Toronto! There was this really great cinammony hot chocolate, and we all hung out and chatted and chalked up Washington square with love!! Heck, yeah. And there's a video, too! And another one, by Dustin Miller! He's so cool.
And that's pretty much it. You'll hear from me in another... well, you know the drill.
