Living Nightmare

It seems so long ago, as if it were a passing dream. Or a nightmare.

I wake up every morning, and all traces are gone. Life goes on... at least for a while. And then it starts, and continues, and ends eventually. The next day is the same, almost a replay. At this point, the record is skipping. The roller coaster is stuck and glides back and forth between the same two turns. I don't know when it will end.

I remember everything that happened - so distinct, yet still the waters are murky in my mind's eye. That Sunday morning resonates in my mind, a constant echo of what's happening now. I cannot bear that pain again, and yet I relive bits and pieces of it every day.

I just wish it would end. I need to move on, even if nothing changes. I cannot be stuck here, right in the middle of everyone's lives colliding and exploding around me. It will ultimately destroy me. I can feel that. I want to be there for the people I love, I really do. But a very wise friend once told me that I have to take care of myself first. What's the point if I help everyone else but lose myself in the process? What will it cost me to keep them happy? My freedom? My sanity?

I don't know how long I can last like this. I'm praying and holding on with my tiny, weak hands. My strength drains daily. I'm weary, lost. Even though I may not be drowning in tears all the time, the pain I feel when I see the ones I love most falling apart cannot be adequately put into words. All is drenched with anger and hurt and hatred and misery and lies. I don't even know what's truth anymore, save God, and love. Those are the only two things that prove true in my life right now.

There are so many songs that I could post that would perfectly display my emotions. But I've been listening to this song in particular over the past few days, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. It's called All You Wanted by Michelle Branch, and the chorus says this:

If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.

I need that right now. Someone to save me, take me away. I'm probably not going to get that anytime soon, but there's no harm in wishing. The nightmare is too real to have been a proper nightmare; I need to get out of it, to emerge into a good dream at last. Every night I have terrible dreams about what could be, about what I could lose. The end seems so far away. I've been trapped in replay for two years now, maybe longer. How close am I to change? How far away?

~:~

"For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" - Isaiah 41:10-13

Life Song

Dedicated to TWLOHA.

Lonely people, distant eyes,
Sore the heart of sorrow cries,
Never reaching out for life,
Endure the day with weary sighs.

Despair creeps in through their rain,
Arms bleed the way through pain;
They don't see sunlight through the storm.
They think no dawn will come again.

Heart of darkness, heart of fears,
Fiercer, fiercer, burning tears,
Fragile threads, almost vainly
Held together through the years.

Did you ever see her smile?
Trembling, trembling all the while,
She sleeps, she wakes, she cries and then
She knows she cannot walk the mile.

Dare you tell her it's alright?
Guide her through the dark of night?
Stay with her and hold her hand,
Give her peace and hope and light.

Tell them all, spread the news:
This time you don't have to lose!
Fight the fight, endure and hope,
You have now the power to choose.

Truth in midst of lies is found,
Darkness flees when dawn comes 'round,
Every shadow evidences sun;
To death we are no longer bound.

Each hand reach out to hold another,
Each heart lift a spirit higher,
Until joy shines on every face
And love makes us ever stronger.

Happy people, hopeful eyes,
Now the heart no longer cries;
Hear the song, rejoice in life,
Love, like hope, never dies.

~:~

© 2009 by Amanda Savino

Somebody's Little Princess

So I'm sitting here, on my couch, at 2:30 in the morning, watching P.S. I Love You. It's a very wonderful, romantic, heart-rending movie, and I might just post about it.

However this post isn't about sappy romances; it concerns a different kind of romance - the father/daughter kind.

Last night, I watched the 1995 rendition of A Little Princess with my daddy. Of course, I read the book about three times over when I was little, and I'm going to read it again, just to get that enveloping, warm feeling again.

This movie is one of the few movies that are guaranteed to make me tear up and/or cry uncontrollably every time I watch it. I'm not sure why... it's just so perfect. I don't think I've ever seen a better representation of the father/daughter relationship on film. Captain Crewe (played by Liam Cunningham) is possibly the most perfect father in the history of perfect fathers. The love that makes his eyes glow when he looks at Sara, the charm and strength he possesses... that alone makes me cry.

Here are a few videos about Captain Crewe and Sara. I was crying hysterically by the time I finished the last one.







The end scene is my absolute favourite. The way that Captain Crewe screams his daughter's name when he remembers... indescribable. It just shows how much he loves her, his little princess.

~:~

"You can be anything you want to be, my love, as long as you believe."

"What do you believe?"

"I believe that you are... and always will be... my little princess."

Always Remember I Love You

Always remember I love you.
Always remember I'm yours.
We belong to each other,
We'll do this together,
Always remember I love you.

Since the day we first met,
Destiny in stone was set.
The stars in motion
Declared our devotion;
Faithful and true,
One heart from two,
Deeper than the deepest ocean.

Through both calm and storm
You've kept me safe and warm;
It's the least I can do
To return it to you.
Never forget,
Never regret,
Never let go, stay true.

Always remember I love you.
Always remember I'm yours.
We belong to each other,
Together forever -
Always, forever, I love you.

~:~

© 2009 by Amanda Savino