Living Nightmare

It seems so long ago, as if it were a passing dream. Or a nightmare.

I wake up every morning, and all traces are gone. Life goes on... at least for a while. And then it starts, and continues, and ends eventually. The next day is the same, almost a replay. At this point, the record is skipping. The roller coaster is stuck and glides back and forth between the same two turns. I don't know when it will end.

I remember everything that happened - so distinct, yet still the waters are murky in my mind's eye. That Sunday morning resonates in my mind, a constant echo of what's happening now. I cannot bear that pain again, and yet I relive bits and pieces of it every day.

I just wish it would end. I need to move on, even if nothing changes. I cannot be stuck here, right in the middle of everyone's lives colliding and exploding around me. It will ultimately destroy me. I can feel that. I want to be there for the people I love, I really do. But a very wise friend once told me that I have to take care of myself first. What's the point if I help everyone else but lose myself in the process? What will it cost me to keep them happy? My freedom? My sanity?

I don't know how long I can last like this. I'm praying and holding on with my tiny, weak hands. My strength drains daily. I'm weary, lost. Even though I may not be drowning in tears all the time, the pain I feel when I see the ones I love most falling apart cannot be adequately put into words. All is drenched with anger and hurt and hatred and misery and lies. I don't even know what's truth anymore, save God, and love. Those are the only two things that prove true in my life right now.

There are so many songs that I could post that would perfectly display my emotions. But I've been listening to this song in particular over the past few days, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. It's called All You Wanted by Michelle Branch, and the chorus says this:

If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.

I need that right now. Someone to save me, take me away. I'm probably not going to get that anytime soon, but there's no harm in wishing. The nightmare is too real to have been a proper nightmare; I need to get out of it, to emerge into a good dream at last. Every night I have terrible dreams about what could be, about what I could lose. The end seems so far away. I've been trapped in replay for two years now, maybe longer. How close am I to change? How far away?

~:~

"For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" - Isaiah 41:10-13