Nothing against blogger, but I've decided to move to tumblr. Maybe then I'll remember to actually blog... So, if you have a tumblr, please follow! If not, get one! They're super cool and so easy to manage. Thanks to all my lovely readers and followers. You make me feel appreciated.
~Amanda
Moving to:
http://amandaginny.tumblr.com
Additional blogs of mine you can follow:
http://littlecarousel.tumblr.com
http://poetryofsouls.tumblr.com
Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The official '09 to '10 transition...
So it’s that time of year again, the first day of the year when everyone is posting their reflections of the past year and their resolutions for the new year. Well, this time I’m going to do something a little different.
I don’t have much to say about 2009. It was… a difficult year, in retrospect. There were laughs, there was love, and there was happy - like any other year. But, in retrospect, the happy was sort of overshadowed by the not-so-happy. For me, in 2009 there were many months of misery on end, without much of a break in between. My experience as a junior/senior in high school has been extremely difficult, and there were times I barely got by. I wanted change, probably too much too fast, and the Fates were against me then. But: I got by. I made it to 2010.
This year, I’m not going to expect too much. I hope this year will be better - and I really think it will be - but I’ve learned the hard way not to set my expectations too high. However, I am going in with a positive mindset, and I’ll see where the winds of change take me.
I haven’t made any resolutions for this year. Rather, I have certain desires in mind, and I shall keep them in mind to motivate and guide me throughout the year. Of course, I have set a few goals for the sake of practicality; but I’ve never been particularly good with follow-through, and in my current condition follow-through isn’t something I can control. So we’ll see how that goes.
First: I want to find love.
Or for it to find me. Yes, I know I’m setting the bar a little high, but let’s throw realism out the window for a minute. To quote the great Benjamin Disraeli: “We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.” I am convinced that my life as it is now is incomplete. It’s not that I haven’t had a boyfriend during my seventeen years on this earth. I just long for completion, and it seems that I’m not complete on my own. I want to find that someone who will fill the gap that no one else can fill. Love is our only escape sometimes, and when we don’t have arms to run to, what can we do? Even now I’m listening to a song that says, “we live for love.” It’s true: we do live for it. It’s the only thing that ever really matters in our lives. And if love conquers all, why shouldn’t I go looking for it?
Second: I want to belong.
My whole life, I’ve never really had a place of belonging. A place where I can say, “this is home.” Sure, I have a home. But if you know me, you would know I can’t really call it “home”. I don’t belong here, I never did. I’ve always felt like a wanderer. Like Ariel in the sea or the great heroine Anna Karenina. So I want to find my safe place. They say “home is where the heart is”… well my heart needs somewhere to call home. Whether it’s college, my own apartment or another town or city altogether. I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find out.
Third: I want to do what I love without struggling to do so.
Yes, I do in fact struggle to do the things I enjoy. I want to be able to read and write and take pictures and play the piano without getting fatigued and distracted and losing my enthusiasm. My daily life seems like a chore, and I don’t want to lose my fire for the things I’m passionate about.
Fourth: I want to be able to do my responsibilities without struggling the way I do now.
The way I am now, it is a constant hassle for me to do my homework, to help my mom around the house, to help my siblings, to get up and do something. I’ve lost my will, my drive, my energy, and I hate my physical inability to do the simple things that everyone else does and must do. And I really don’t want to have to rely on medication as a source of energy. I used to be so much more energetic, I used to have so much more life in me. and now all I do is ask why, and where did it all go?
Fifth: I don’t want to be trampled on anymore.
Much of my life I’ve been taken advantage of, whether it was because I was too nice or sensitive or unable to stand up for myself. I am in no way the meek little girl I used to be, but a lot of people still get the idea that they can step all over me and use me. I’m tougher, but not tough enough; I’m stronger, but not strong enough. I need that strength to get through this year.
Sixth: I want to be content.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. often I find myself suffering from what I call “tristesse” - a feeling of hopeless longing and sadness and insignificance. I want to see a play like Hamlet without feeling lost in the world and helplessly small.
I guess that’s all I have to say. Wow, I’m melancholy.
In fact, I think all this melancholy has worked me up to happiness. Woo!
Well, happy new year to all, and to all a good night, and a wonderful, blessed new year.
♥
I don’t have much to say about 2009. It was… a difficult year, in retrospect. There were laughs, there was love, and there was happy - like any other year. But, in retrospect, the happy was sort of overshadowed by the not-so-happy. For me, in 2009 there were many months of misery on end, without much of a break in between. My experience as a junior/senior in high school has been extremely difficult, and there were times I barely got by. I wanted change, probably too much too fast, and the Fates were against me then. But: I got by. I made it to 2010.
This year, I’m not going to expect too much. I hope this year will be better - and I really think it will be - but I’ve learned the hard way not to set my expectations too high. However, I am going in with a positive mindset, and I’ll see where the winds of change take me.
I haven’t made any resolutions for this year. Rather, I have certain desires in mind, and I shall keep them in mind to motivate and guide me throughout the year. Of course, I have set a few goals for the sake of practicality; but I’ve never been particularly good with follow-through, and in my current condition follow-through isn’t something I can control. So we’ll see how that goes.
First: I want to find love.
Or for it to find me. Yes, I know I’m setting the bar a little high, but let’s throw realism out the window for a minute. To quote the great Benjamin Disraeli: “We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.” I am convinced that my life as it is now is incomplete. It’s not that I haven’t had a boyfriend during my seventeen years on this earth. I just long for completion, and it seems that I’m not complete on my own. I want to find that someone who will fill the gap that no one else can fill. Love is our only escape sometimes, and when we don’t have arms to run to, what can we do? Even now I’m listening to a song that says, “we live for love.” It’s true: we do live for it. It’s the only thing that ever really matters in our lives. And if love conquers all, why shouldn’t I go looking for it?
Second: I want to belong.
My whole life, I’ve never really had a place of belonging. A place where I can say, “this is home.” Sure, I have a home. But if you know me, you would know I can’t really call it “home”. I don’t belong here, I never did. I’ve always felt like a wanderer. Like Ariel in the sea or the great heroine Anna Karenina. So I want to find my safe place. They say “home is where the heart is”… well my heart needs somewhere to call home. Whether it’s college, my own apartment or another town or city altogether. I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find out.
Third: I want to do what I love without struggling to do so.
Yes, I do in fact struggle to do the things I enjoy. I want to be able to read and write and take pictures and play the piano without getting fatigued and distracted and losing my enthusiasm. My daily life seems like a chore, and I don’t want to lose my fire for the things I’m passionate about.
Fourth: I want to be able to do my responsibilities without struggling the way I do now.
The way I am now, it is a constant hassle for me to do my homework, to help my mom around the house, to help my siblings, to get up and do something. I’ve lost my will, my drive, my energy, and I hate my physical inability to do the simple things that everyone else does and must do. And I really don’t want to have to rely on medication as a source of energy. I used to be so much more energetic, I used to have so much more life in me. and now all I do is ask why, and where did it all go?
Fifth: I don’t want to be trampled on anymore.
Much of my life I’ve been taken advantage of, whether it was because I was too nice or sensitive or unable to stand up for myself. I am in no way the meek little girl I used to be, but a lot of people still get the idea that they can step all over me and use me. I’m tougher, but not tough enough; I’m stronger, but not strong enough. I need that strength to get through this year.
Sixth: I want to be content.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. often I find myself suffering from what I call “tristesse” - a feeling of hopeless longing and sadness and insignificance. I want to see a play like Hamlet without feeling lost in the world and helplessly small.
I guess that’s all I have to say. Wow, I’m melancholy.
In fact, I think all this melancholy has worked me up to happiness. Woo!
Well, happy new year to all, and to all a good night, and a wonderful, blessed new year.
♥
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